Sunday, 23 May 2010

Updated: 3-D

UPDATE: I seem to have been fooled last week by The Yes Men, which makes me feel pretty dopey. Well, at least the first and third parts of this entry are real - and the second part still parodies a sad reality and has served a purpose. I just wasn't the one doing the parody or the serving.

Early morning, from the balcony

In an article about yesterday's rejection by the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of a challenge to Shell's Arctic drilling plan, the company's Alaska VP is indirectly quoted referring to the plans' "robust" and "safe" nature.

Speaking of nature, remember the names of the seas: Beaufort and Chukchi.

Deception: And speaking of Shell, they apologized yesterday. From their website:

"Today, Royal Dutch Shell is holding back the tears no more. Shell apologises to all inhabitants of Nigeria’s Niger Delta for the many years of human rights violations, for which Shell takes full responsibility."

What? Since when are "large-scale oil spills, waste dumping and gas flaring" human rights violations?

I guess when they lead to...

"...polluted water to drink and to cook and wash with, and eat fish contaminated with oil and other toxins. Oil spills and waste dumping have also seriously damaged agricultural land."

Wow! Way to go Shell with their unequivocatin' selves, eh? But what do you think about this little bit here:

“We never knew that we were bringing them impoverishment, conflict, abuse and deprivation. Now we know.”

You see? They didn't know. And in spite of that, they're apologizing anyway. What a good-guy company!

And what is it they now know exactly? Again, from their site:

"The destruction of livelihoods and the lack of redress have led people to steal oil and vandalise oil infrastructure in an attempt to gain compensation or clean-up contracts. Armed groups engage in large-scale theft of oil and the ransoming of oil workers. Government reprisals frequently involve excessive force and the collective punishment of communities, thus deepening general anger and resentment."

Interesting that Johnny Depp is on his way to becoming a pirate hero for the fourth time, but those *thugs off the coasts of Somalia and Nigeria are... well, darkies. 'Nuff said.

And regarding the company taking "full responsibility"? Their apology closes with:

"Between 2005 and 2008, the Nigerian government received around $36 billion in taxes and royalties from Shell. 'They have never, not in the slightest, held us to account for all the wrong we did,' says Houppe. 'So without taking back any of our apologies, by all means: blame them too!'"

I'm sure those "royalties" were Shell's idea.


And, finally, we have:

Delivery: The New York Times points out that since 1969 and "As of last year, Nigeria had 2,000 active spills."

* a term commonly used to describe certain members of the NBA.