Sunday, 17 April 2011

Apologies for this Guilty
Pleasure out d'Image Nation

So lemme ax'you a question:

Why should the NBA (TM) MVP (named after the first "comish") have to be a member of a starting lineup? I mean, as long as we’re talking about which team can’t do without which player the most and all?

To wit: Consider a certain perennially rededicated sixth-man who this season had to start the first 31 games with his team's center recovering from surgery, and during that period they managed to play .697 ball and maintained the division lead. More importantly, he was having a stellar year, had led the league in both field goal and three-point percentages (still leads his team in the former), but most important of all, he eventually went back to his role on the bench where he has carried that group through to the end of the regular season, thereby more than backing up the team with the second most wins in the Western Territories (Seriously though: Can't the US just donate everything outside of 'zona to Mexico and write it off on their Texas taxes?).

When just recently, his team's center – who, depending on who you talk to, is waaay overrated or the greatest bigman since Peter North ('s he still playin'?) – got suspended, the re-re-established bench leader was ready to leave the bench role again; the team won both games he started, in no small part due to his all around and (an' I can't stress this cliché enough) unselfish play both strategi'mological-wise and tacticalizin'a'ways (McCain O'Rama, eat yer heartout!).

All of this whilst hangin' with a Kawdasheen!

Jadies and Lentilmen, I present to you, from los Lagos in Los Angeles: Lamar Joseph Odom!

And please don' be gimmin' me:
“But he should be judged like a starter! Fact is everybody's always talking about how he would start for any other team... I'd like to see how good he'd be then - yadda yadda yadda yadda!"

Actual fact: he humbly goes where his team needs him most [except Dallas*] and never complains or otherwise poisons the chemistry of the purple and gold trademark. Take a look around the league and tell me that’s not a valuable quality (also quantifiable).

What would LA do without him?

Wait. I'll answer that question with the sportswriter-patented third conditional: If he idn't on their roster this year, they prolly don't win the division. Period.

That's right, I said probably period. It ain't just the questionable evolutionalizin' of grammar that sets the sports urinalist apart.

Sports writers, despite the level of fantasy they need to write about this trivial, US Marine-sponsored bs day-in and day-out, lack creative imagination. And if you think I write poorly, just get a load of the brain-searing goo put forth by any one of the folks covering local pro teams across North America. Jizz bags!

Give the 6th Man Award to the current comish. He can use it as a bargaining chip to continue to rape the public and continue the game of Urban Re-Musical Chairs; a process which very well might lead one to think that Dixieland originated with the Mormons.

Every year right about this time, in the same Pissoir Pedantry Generators, the following maxim is re-issued: The NBA MVP should be the player who means more to his team than anyone else does anyone else's.

* [updated the following season] His troubles when the Lakers traded him and his play since then has nothing to do with the 2011 regular season MVP award, rather demonstrates more the crucial nature of team chemistry (camaraderie) and the system employed (Tex Winter's triangle offense and Phil Jackson's coaching staff). Loyalty is a foggy notion from the billionaire's plantation, and even a millionaire's ego can be bruised enough to shake his self-confidence to the extent that it might seriously hinder recovering the aforementioned camaraderie sought elsewhere, leading to a self-confidence destroyed forever.