Sunday 5 April 2015

Thirty Minutes or Less

This Easter Sunday Paper contains satiric elements manufactured from satirical reality.


"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were obsessed with the rightwing extremist elements of our strategic military allies," said White House press secretary, Earnestly Joshing, when asked about the US plan to begin training Ukrainian military forces, which includes the neo-nazi Azov Battalion, on April 20th.
"As far as the date goes, maybe you see it as the day Hitler was born, but I like to think of it as honoring the birth of Clint Howard."

According to whom?
Iran, who in the 50s had its democracy overthrown and a murderous monarchy reinstated by an Anglo alliance of oil greed, a country that's never attacked anyone but managed to oust its US imposed Shah and then the Iraqi army from its territory after the latter American proxy had invaded and killed at least 100,000 Iranian civilians, many with US manufactured weapons, has agreed to conditions upon its nuclear program even though their negotiating counterpart is the only country to have dropped atomic weapons, killing just as many civilians in the span of only four days what took the Iraqis eight years, and even though one of its most hardcore adversarial intelligence services, from a country that refuses to sign on to the Non-Proliferation Treaty, say they showed no signs of using its nuclear technology for weapons.

Clenched fist, indeed.  As of this press deadline, it is unknown how long it will be before they "brazenly break the rules" the US so lovingly negotiated.

Usually, when you hear about a US missile strike hitting an Afghan wedding party in Kandahar or Nangarhar, or in Pakistan or Yemen, you roll your eyes and think, "Oh, here we go again… like America is the only country using drones."

But the following story is something that won't scar you with dissonant shame. The background involves an unmanned aerial vehicle pilot from Indiana who had heard about something happening in his home state that didn't sit well with him, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. Literally.

"When I read the headline, I thought, 'The gays deserve pizza, even if I don't agree with their ways.'"  He was referring to a pizzeria in his home state which planned to refuse service to same-sex wedding receptions. "Personally, I'm a bit more upscale. Chipotle did my wedding, and it was awesome. But I reckon Pizza Hut would've been pretty cool, too."

Assisted by his contacts at the NSA, 1st Lieutenant Joseph Sechser compiled a list of all the licenses issued to homosexual Hoosier hitchers for the Easter holiday and got to work. It wasn't easy, requiring the cooperation of specialists in the fields of both ordinance and fast food delivery, but the payload has reached its target.

Over one thousand pies, meat-lovers and vegetarian alike, have been successfully fired upon six receptions from Bloomington to Indianapolis.  Other than a few celebrants who received third-degree burns requiring medical attention, the result was a hit.

Exclaimed one glowing groom: "It's so cheesy, I love it!"