Friday 26 August 2011

₫-mar-kr-€-C$-¥ (101 & 2.1)
- in which I announce the intent to
sell my vote for cold hard currency

"NATO acted with impunity. The NATO command recklessly bombed civilians in the name of saving civilians."
My own rep said the same thing. (Achtung! this Link in German) Not that he's mine, 'cuz I can't vote here, I just happen to've lived in his district for the last decade.

Not that I would vote if I could. I'd have a year to go for that anyway. But if I were of the mind t' (and I could), he'd be the closest thing that I'd vote fer.

I know, I know: Irony abounds.

Like little Denny K over't'h' Cleveland Plain Dealer District across the way, my own private Hans-Christian sues (attempts to sue/announces attempts to sue) his government over their secrets (such as what the Bundeswehr might actually be doing in Libya). Call it STRÖBELE'S PEEPS v. DIE BUNDESREGIERUNG'S NATO v. THE ACTOR (FKA) KA-DAFFY.

(Y'think it's too late for Mo Mar al-G to change his name to a symbol? You know, at least until the contract expires?)

But just because I don't have German voting rights does not mean I have to give up my right to vote in the Land of Lincoln. And it occurs to me that I am letting my currency go to waste; it could be working for me.

With this in mind, I would hereby like to announce my intention to sell my vote to the highest bidder.

Seriously. I really mean it.

Bid to Win
As you all have likely heard, in November of 2012, from sea to shining sea, the MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION in the History of Humanity will take place. Don't get caught napping! If your bid wins the contract, you could be the lucky one to tell your great-grandchildren that you snatched the world from the jowls of Democracy's Apocalypse! Or put more practically: You could be the recipient of an historic second-vote. And it's completely legal.

You see, I am a corporation. This not only qualifies me to donate twice to political candidates in the United States (much to the chagrin of those Democrats, who only take the money 'cuzin they gotsta), but given my status as a corporate-citizen, and your status as a citizen-citizen, you can donate to me, and I can do your bidding by voting for the candidate(s) of your choice.

So I am prepared to use my function as the secretary of a nonprofit organ to rescue America from certain ruin.

Now for the rider, which I assure you will only be standard procedure once my example is dutifully followed and achieves (for your favorite party) a permanent filibuster- and veto-proof majority in both houses of the US Congress:

Write to me with a monetary bid and a list of your chosen candidates as they are to appear on the ballot in Cook County Illinois. Meanwhile I will be doing everything in my power to get re-registered in time for the March 20th primary. (Hey, if Rockin' Rahm could manage to skirt the rules to become mayor, it's gotta be a piece of cake, right?)

No later than 31 January 2012, I will contact the winning bidder, who will then have until the immediately following Valentine's Day to mail me their love in the form of cold hard cash. No coins (not that hard).

I will not accept electronic transfer. I will not deal with any mother fucking bank. It's called FexEx or UPS or DHL. Use it. Any of the denominations listed in the title above will suffice, although US Dollars are also acceptable. (Special consideration applies to those who forgo the bid and just start sending money.)

Now - you might be thinking, "Why would I send the dough first, when I can't be sure that he'll vote as instructed?" to which I would *reply: You don't really know how democracy works, do you?

*Sue me.