Tuesday 27 September 2016

Trump 'so pathetic', Satan endorses Clinton

Citing the billionaire's apparent deficiencies in the art of lingual legerdemain, the Prince of Darkness has opted to go with candidate Clinton. "'It was fun while it lasted, but let's get real,'" was how Satan spokesperson Jeffrey Epstein quoted him to the Associated Press yesterday evening, saying his Lord had clearly made up his mind during Trump's closing statement at the evening's presidential debate.

"He said he has many of the attributes we would want in an American president, but was quick to point out that these don't mean squat if you can't close the deal," Epstein said.

Already much earlier in the evening, the Twitter account most closely identified with the Antichrist, @B.Elle_Z'bub, tweeted out an angry face emoji with the hashtags #sopathetic #deepeight16. The tweet was soon deleted.

The spokesperson added, "I even tried to play devil's advocate, you know, which is complicated under the circumstances. But what a lot of people don't realize – those who don't know him, is that Satan's a real cool guy. So I say to him 'Don't you think he'd have performed much better if he hadn't been here right before air-time getting all coked up with me and [former President Clinton]?' He just laughed that laugh he does and said 'I'm with her.' Classic Devil stuff."